Shared custody 

There are many ways to co-parent. Discuss your needs with a professional who can help support you during your decision making process. Remind yourself that nothing is set in stone. You can take the time necessary to assess the needs of each family member and explore different possibilities of co-parenting. 

Parental alienation is comprised of the actions taken by the other parent to influence their child in their rejection of the other parent. It may lead to the child excluding the other parent entirely from their life. If you suspect parental alienation is at play, you must first identify the behaviours that characterize this situation. The following criteria, which are recognized by the law, can help you identify if there is cause for concern: 

• Speaking badly of the other parent to the child
• Limiting or hindering in-person contact between the child and other parent
• Limiting or hindering phone or virtual contact between the child and other parent
• Limiting or hindering symbolic contact between the child and other parent (photos, significant objects, drawings, letters etc.)
• Interfering in the information given by the other parent regarding the child
• Emotional manipulation

If you suspect that your child is a victim of parental alienation, here are several behaviours to watch out for:

• Your child denigrates you and explains his reasoning as such:
  • Gives nonsensical and frivolous reasons
  • Expresses himself with total lack of ambivalence
  • Argues that their resistance is not influenced by the other parent, and claims the phenomenon of the "independent thinker"
• Presents themselves as the support, or "champion" of the alienating parent
• Expresses no remorse towards other parent's psychological lack of well being
• Uses words and scenarios that adults would normally use
• His animosity extends to all aspects of the parent's life: extended family, nationality, lineage etc.

There is, unfortunately no easy solution or quick fix. The parents' attitudes, the child's development and their level of maturity will lead to reconciliation. For instance:

• The child who returns by court order to the rejected parent may realize on their own that their other parent is not a bad person
• The guidance of an adult, who the child trusts, may lead the child to rethink their perception 
• The child observes behaviours of the alienating parent that make them lose trust in him and what he says
• With the help of a therapist, the child may develop a more just perception of reality and their upbringing
• As the child matures, they can more rationally reflect on their family situation

In the meantime, you can take notes of the dates and events, save text messages and email exchanges with the other parent and the child as evidence to use in court, if needed. 

If your child confides in you, it will be important to listen to them and welcome their reflection without judgement. As for teenagers, you can invite them to reflect on the situation, their other parent's thoughts, and encourage them to develop their own opinion. The idea here is not to spend time overly discussing and worsening an already present loyalty conflict. Rather, the goal is to encourage them to develop their own critical thinking.  

It is recommended to interpret your child's words with caution, as you cannot necessarily take everything they say at face value. Your child could have misunderstood or misinterpreted words or behaviours that when taken out of context appear troublesome. Your child may also be exaggerating certain events with the goal of being comforted by you, or to avoid returning to their other parent's home. However, if you have reason to believe that the other parent is behaving inappropriately, you may be inclined to believe everything your child tells you.

The lack of communication between both parents often leads to misunderstandings that are preventable if the parents are able to put their differences aside for the best interest of the child. How can you maintain amicable and open communication with the other parent? Try focusing your discourse exclusively on your child's needs. 

(Clothing, diet, screen time, hygiene etc)

Unless your child's safety and security are being compromised, you will need to accept that you cannot control what happens in another household. The household rules will be different in each home. While this may be difficult to accept, it is important to remember that children do not always give us the full picture of what is really going on. They also sometimes report only partial information, which when taken out of context may provide a completely different perception of reality. The best form of communication is between both parents directly in order to avoid misunderstandings and misjudgements. 

It is important to accept that we cannot control what happens outside of our own household. When a parent tries to control how their ex is raising their child, they are overstepping their boundaries and demonstrating a lack of confidence in the other parent's parenting abilities. If your ex is engaging in such behaviours, confronting them and trying to change their behaviour will likely lead to further conflict rather than resolve.

Instead, focus on maintaining your boundaries and remaining neutral in your responses. This will require patience and strength. In order to help maintain your own boundaries written communication that is brief, to the point and without judgement is best. Put into writing to your ex that everything in your household is fine and repeat the same message each time as necessary. 

Do I really need my ex to agree to this?

Healthcare professionals need to receive authorisation from both parents for a child to benefit from specialised services. If you believe that your child needs specialised services it will be important to reinforce your request by stating the symptoms and facts that you see exhibited by your child. It can also be helpful to rely on the advice of professionals to support your request, when available. For example, a teacher, educator, doctor etc. If multiple professionals suggest the presence of a diagnosis but your ex still refuses to collaborate and allow your child to receive specialised care, you can try to reach an agreement through family mediation. If all else fails, you can turn to the court. 

(violence, drug and alcohol abuse, crime etc)

When a parent believes that their child's safety is being compromised, it is recommended to take notes of the facts and dates of any significant incident. If possible, try to communicate with the other parent to find a solution that is in the best interest of your child. You can also seek out a trusted person to intervene with your ex (grandparent, uncle, family friend) to help resolve the issue at hand. If necessary, you can seek assistance from a family mediator. If the situation persists, you can consult with a lawyer to review the content of the shared custody agreement. In an emergency, or if you suspect immediate danger, you can contact the police to protect your child. 

Communication between both parents should ideally be respectful and cordial. All communication should focus on your child's present and future needs with the goal of protecting their well being. If anger and animosity persists in your attempts at communication, it may be reflective of unresolved conflict from your time as a couple.

It is normal for you and your ex to have different values when it comes to education and parenting. If your verbal interactions have a tendency to become unpleasant and even aggressive at times, it may be prudent to switch to written communication, via email for example. Choosing your battles will become a necessity, so that you can both focus on the well being of your child. Turning to family mediation or professional consultation are also possible avenues to explore. 

When your child acts a messenger on behalf of your ex, it can be second nature to want to respond with anger or negative emotions. However, it is important to avoid projecting your anger onto your child, or speaking ill of your ex, as being the messenger is already an uncomfortable position for your child to be in. Each time this happens, you can tell your child that they do not need to be concerned and that this is an adult problem that you and their other parent will resolve between adults. With time, repeating this has a good chance of having a positive impact on your child. It is also best not to react in front of your child, be it verbally or physically, or to use your child as your confidant. You can reach out to your ex and ask them to stop using your child to relay a message. Tell them to speak directly to you instead. 

To protect your child, parents need to agree upon a method of communication, or if necessary resort to a family mediator to establish a set of rules. When the relationship is very conflictual, it is favorable and prudent to reduce contact as much as possible. When there are special occasions in which both parents want to be present (end of year concert, graduation etc), it is important to come to the event prepared to act cordially. It is also best to come to an agreement on the best method of communication to use (ex email) in order to minimize undesirable emotional reactions. While there is no easy solution, it is best to keep in mind that the goal of exchanges and communication between parents is for the well being of their child, rather than the pursuit of their own differences. 

The best way to support your child after your divorce is to minimize the degree of hostility between you and your ex, and for how long the hostility persists. Preferably, your child should not bear witness to your arguments nor should they be put in the middle of your conflict. Keeping intact their perception of you as mom and dad is a priority. 

Despite the stress you are experiencing throughout your divorce, it remains vital to maintain your parental role and continue to treat your child with warmth and support. Maintaining a routine, rules and discipline will give them a sense of security and normalcy. To console them, repeat often that you will always love them and demonstrate your affection through action. Preserve the special bond you have with your child and remain available to respond to their needs by encouraging them to talk about their feelings towards the recent change to their life. You know your child best and can detect if your child is exhibiting a behavioural change that tells you something is wrong. Should they exhibit signs leading you to believe a negative change to their well being, you can always talk to your child about how they are feeling and try to suggest concrete, easy solutions to make them feel better. 

Making the switch from being a couple to co-parenting is no easy feat. Give yourself time to adapt to your new reality and to detach from your ex. Talk to them only about things that relate directly to your child. Try your best to avoid getting into personal exchanges, unless they will affect your role as a parent. If you must see each other, it is best to meet up in a neutral space, for example a coffee shop, and prepare your talking points in advance. Maintain a respectful attitude towards each other and try to keep your conversation positive and absent of blame by using "I" and reformulating your words as necessary. It is helpful to keep in mind your child's needs when engaging in conversation. If this form of communication proves to be too difficult, email exchanges can become the solution. 

This is a very complex situation for each parent to manage. You should try to present your point of vue to your ex whom you deem to being uncollaborative. Base your statements only on fact. Avoid making judgements, stating your perception or your impression. If this fails, try to keep your anger at bay to avoid escalating the conflict. Remind yourself that your child's well being is the most important. If your ex refuses to collaborate despite your attempts, you may want to seek assistance from an outside source. 

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