Shared custody
There are many ways to engage in shared custody. Give yourself the time you need to reflect on your needs and what might best work for your family. Once you've decided on a rhythm that works, don't be shy to change it up if needed. The first schedule you set for shared custody isn't set in stone. You can take time to evaluate your needs and if the schedule in place is meeting those needs. Change it up if it doesn't. Don't be shy to reach out to a professional for guidance.
There are many different ways in which you can arrange for shared custody. Here are some of the most common ones:
Sole custody: when the children spend more than 60% of the year with one of their parents (more than 219 days per year). In the case of sole custody, the other parent has access rights to their children (also known as visiting rights). This allows the other parent to have contact with their children. Access rights can be arranged in whichever way the parents decide, for example, every second weekend and 1-2 nights per week, or two weekends out of three etc. Summer holidays, Christmas and statutory holidays must also be considered.
Shared custody: when the children spend between 40% and 60% of their time with each parent (between 146 and 219 days per year). Shared custody guarantees that both parents will be present in their children's lives. It is often recommended, when possible, for both parents to live closeby to one another to simplify the comings and goings between both households and school. This would allow them to have a similar daily routine as they make their way to and from school. They will also be able to maintain their neighbourhood friendships. For shared custody to be efficient, it is helpful that both parents maintain open communication and keep their children's well being a priority. Once again here, shared custody can take on many different types of arrangements. For example, alternating week schedule (the 7/7 formula), the 2/2/3 (also known as the 5/2/2/5 schedule), which consists of Mondays and Tuesdays at one household, Wednesdays and Thursdays at another household, and alternating Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. You can also opt for a 3/4 schedule or a 5/9 schedule... the options are endless. The point here is to find a schedule that works for your children, yourself and your ex. Summer holidays, Christmas and statutory holidays must also be considered.
There is no one size fits all approach. Sole custody is recommended for children under the age of three, as young children need stability. You will need to come to an amicable agreement between yourselves or seek mediation services. Ideally, being flexible and keeping in mind your child's best interests are the most important factors when deciding on the type of custody. Some of the more important factors to keep in mind when deciding on custody include: the child's age, their needs, the ability for each parent to respond to their child's needs, the relationship between the child and each parent, the relationship between the child and other family members, the child's stability, the child's physical and mental health, the parent's physical and mental health, the availability of each parent, the lifestyle of each parent, siblings, the willingness for each parent to help preserve the relationship their child has with the other parent.
Some factors, however, should not be taken into consideration when making your decision. These include cohabitation or remarriage, a parent's sexual orientation, past behaviour one adult had towards the other (ex cheating), or culture. These factors may be considered important to a judge if they can have an impact on the child. For example, the judge may take into consideration the fact that one of the parent's exhibited violent behaviour towards the other parent in the past.
Loyalty conflict occurs when a child tries to maintain a positive relationship with both parents, despite the fact that their parents are in conflict. It can be induced by the parents, via their behaviour or words. It can also be induced by the child themself depending on how they interpret their parents' divorce. Loyalty conflict often occurs when a child sees their parents fighting or criticizing each other. The child may think that they need to take sides with one of their parents. They may feel caught in the middle of the conflict, and not want to disappoint either parent. Children that experience loyalty conflict may be very happy when with one parent, and then when they return to their other household give the wrong impression that they were unhappy. They will do this with the goal of protecting the other parent, not wanting them to feel bad that they had fun in their absence. Children that experience loyalty conflict may have anxiety, become aggressive or introverted, change their behaviour in the presence of each parent, avoid speaking to their parents because they feel it will cause discomfort, or be less interested in seeing their parents.
This internal conflict may also manifest when one parent starts a new relationship. They may feel as though their father doesn't like their mom's new partner for example. To remain loyal to their father, they may purposely avoid sharing the fun moments they spent with their mom's new boyfriend with their dad. Or worse, they might even make up stories to tell their dad what they think he wants to hear.
Another example of loyalty conflict would be that the child thinks their mom is sad when they are with their dad. As result, the child feels guilty when they have fun with their dad. This internal conflict can also occur when there are arguments between one of their parents and other adults that are important to them, such as their grandparents or teacher. Loyalty conflict only appears in children as of age 4 or 5. Younger kids are too little to understand and feel this internal struggle.
As a general rule of thumb, it is always best to keep your child out of any conflict you may be having with your ex. Children can pick up easily on the tension between both parents. Tell your child that they have the right to love both their parents equally, and that they are entitled to spend happy moments with each parent.
Resolve your issues among adults, not in front of the kids. Never speak ill of the other parent. Tell your child that he is allowed to feel good with both his parents. Your child actually needs you to give them permission to have fun with their other parent. Even if it is difficult for you to vocalize, your verbal and non verbal gestures (tone, smile etc) should reveal that you are happy that they had fun with their other parent.
Reassure your child. Tell them that you are happy that they have a positive relationship with their other parent. It is important that your child know and feel that they will not jeopordize the love of one parent by remaining loyal to their other parent. Once feeling secure, they will know that they can preserve a healthy happy relationship with both their parents.
Make the decision for your child on when they can visit their other parent, or live with them. This is an adult decision. The responsibility is too much for a child and may make them feel forced to choose between their parents. This can unwantingly cause an internal conflict in your child.
Taking into consideration your child's age, try to determine what the reasons are that are leading your child to make the request to live only with one parent. Is it possible that your child was influenced by someone? Or, are they reacting to something that happened recently? As a parent we need to act in a way that puts our child's best interest at the forefront, regardless of our wishes, grudges, or past conflicts. It is best to avoid asking your child to choose between parents, as sharing a life with both parents is good for them. If there is disagreement, you can consult with a psychologist, social worker or a family mediator. Legally, for young children, although the child's opinion will be heard, it is the parents who will make the decision on where their child will live. For children between the ages of 8 and 11, their point of view will be taken into consideration. For youth 12 years and older, their interest on where to live will be strongly taken into consideration.
It is important to question your child to understand why he or she no longer wishes to live with the parent and to find ways to make the stay with the parent more enjoyable. Children experience a different relationship with each parent. Each parent contributes to the overall development of their child in a unique way. Children need both of these models to build themselves. Their sense of loyalty to each parent is unshakeable, since they will always be the child of both their father and mother.
It is very normal, and highly encouraged for grandparents to maintain contact with their grandchildren after a parents' divorce. If one of the parent's refuses to allow this relationship to continue, it is recommended for the grandparents to contact the parent by phone or in writing to clarify the situation. It is always preferable to reach an amicable decision to help preserve the best interest of the child. By law, there must be a serious reason to prevent grandparents from having a relationship with their grandkids. If necessary, grandparents can take legal action to have the right to visitations.
Ideally, the routine and overall household functioning will be similar in both households. Example, bedtime, homework, screen time etc. When possible, try to come to an agreement with your ex to avoid being inconsistent. If the households have very different routines and lifestyles, the adjustment for your child will be much more difficult. Sometimes a big difference in household rules will manifest in behavioural development or grades in school. To help make the rules clear in each household, it's best to have them written down and communicate them with your ex. It's best not to ask your child to be the messenger, as this adds pressure on a situation to which they are already trying to adjust.
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