Family recomposition
After a divorce, you and your ex may each want to recreate a family for yourselves. You may feel unsure as to how to go about doing so while keeping your child’s best interest in mind.
Before introducing a new partner to your child, it is recommended to take into consideration the amount of time that has elapsed since your divorce. Has it been a few weeks, a few months? You know your child best. Ask yourself, have they adapted yet to the new family dynamic and their new reality? Have you and your child settled into a new rhythm and routine yet?
We recommend that you avoid jumping into a new relationship too quickly. When a parent is enamored by a new relationship, their child may experience this as another loss. Before introducing your new love to your child, ask yourself how serious is this new relationship? Does your new love have the same educational and parenting values as you? Do they understand that your child’s well-being is and will remain a priority for you? If you believe that your new love is compatible with your family needs, we recommend talking about your new relationship to your child first, before making introductions. Let your child know that you would like them to meet your new partner in the near future. Reassure your child that they are still very important to you and will always be. Let them know that the presence of a new partner in your life with not affect your relationship with them. Give your child the time they need to adapt to the idea of your new relationship. Once you are ready to introduce your child to your partner, try to organize a fun activity to make the occasion positive and memorable. Another idea would be to introduce them to your child as a friend, create a positive experience and later talk to your child about how you developed stronger connection and love for this new friend.
Depending on how long and how involved your new partner was in your life and in your child's life, it is best for both adults to be together when announcing the break-up. Depending on the bond that your child has formed with your ex-partner, you will need to decide if it makes sense for them to preserve some form of contact. It is also important to reflect on whether you want your child to continue seeing your ex's children, if a bond had been created among the kids.
How did you find out that someone is speaking ill of you to your child? It would be important to determine the source of the problem so that you may reassure your child that this is an adult issue that you will resolve among adults. You can reassure them that they have nothing to worry about and don't need to be put in the middle of the conflict.
Once you have been able to determine the source of who is bad-mouthing you, it would be the moment to dialogue with the person to understand their motives. If the situation continues or worsens after your conversation, it may be best to stay away from that person for a while, to avoid escalating any tension.
As for your child, ask them how all of this makes them feel. Try to assess the impact this is having on them. When trying to find out how best to dialogue with your child, take into consideration the type of relationship your child has with this individual. If your child seems very affected by the bad-mouthing, it may be helpful to speak to your ex and find a solution together.
Your child will need time to get used to letting a new person into their life and sharing your attention with another adult. Give them the time they need to adjust to their new reality. Your child will need to understand, however, that they must show respect and be polite to your new partner, even if they are not yet comfortable having them as an additional person in their life. Try to organize fun activities for your child and involve your new partner to create a relaxed and pleasurable atmosphere, with the hope of creating positive associations for this new relationship. You can also reassure your child that you love them just as much, despite the presence of your new partner and that your love for them will never change. Explain to them that the love you feel for your new partner is a different kind of love than the type shared between a parent and their child. Your bond with them is special and unique and will never change.
If the arduous relationship is between your ex's new partner and your child, you can play the role of active listener for your child. Rather than jump to conclusions too rapidly, try to understand that your child will need time to adjust to this new person. Your child may express their discomfort, sadness or anxiety in different ways, which can include impatience, isolation, anger, or by physical discomfort such as a headache or tummy ache. You might notice that these changes in behaviour are manifested when it's time for your child to leave your house for their other parent's place. Pay attention to these cues, and gently point them out to your child, while asking them if there is something that is bothering them.
Learning to let go after a divorce is a hard lesson each parent must come to accept. You have no control over what your ex talks about with your child when they are together. If you must, you can talk to your ex in the attempt of getting them to understand the impact their words are having on your child. If your child talks to you about conversations they have had with their other parent that are troubling to you, encourage your child to externalise verbally how this makes them feel. Depending on their age, maturity, and assertiveness you can encourage them to verbalize their discomfort with their other parent either in person, in writing or through a third party.
As an adult, it is important to keep in mind that your child is not your friend. You are responsable for their well-being at all times. Confiding in them about financial difficulties, lovers, family issues etc, is unhealthy for their development and for your relationship. Rather, your role is to listen, comfort and guide them through life. Searching for reciprocity in your child is never a good idea. If your child starts speaking using "us" rather than "I" statements, this may be indictive that they are carrying your problems on their shoulders. For example, if you hear them say, "we don't have enough money for groceries, we need to find a solution." You can respond by saying, "that isn't true, I'm the adult and that's my responsibility. Don't worry, we're not lacking in anything, I'm taking care of that."
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